U call this an apeseotomy?

I thought I had found the best job ever. This fantastic job involved greeting customers and checking bags at Guitar Center. The interview was going smashingly with the bald man at the Sheridan (this is a brand new guitar center, so long privetly owned music stores within a 30 mile radius) I had showered and was totally on my A game. He goes over the description and blah blah blah but then says "The pay is $6.00 an hour."

A look of utter abhorrence must have splashed across my face becuase he said "Is this the deal breaker?"

And I tried to back track but then realized this face I had just made probably wasn't going to get me the job anyway. I took this next paragraph as my chance to tell corporate america to go fuck themselves. "You want people to do a good job?" I said. "You want them to take pride in their work? How much pride does a person derive from a position that pays 6.00 bucks an hour? I know I get lots of self worth from being impoverished "

So yeah I don't think I got the job. Even though after 90 days you got shit at cost plus freight. Damn I need a Gibson LP Junior. However, I did get a job with the state of Illinois this gem started at 20,000, yep you heard me 5 grand above the poverty line. I turned that piece of shit down too.


There will be no reclassification

I ran into my arch nemisis while buying chips at the gas station at 1:30am. This was out of the ordinary because I am hardly ever awake past 11, let alone deciding to buy chips at such an hour. I told my rival I would give him a ride and then sat in his grandmas alley for several hours talking about linguistics. No one else ever seems as excited about speech and defintion as me...well except for my girl, Speller, who, you guessed it, won all our grade school spelling bees.

Nemisis also informed me that hay and straw are two different things. Who knew? Probably everyone but me.


I can string some words together and make a sentence

Now that junior college has completed for the season my mind is now clear to think about what I'd do if I saw Joan Jett at Hot Topic or how many of my bodily fluids contain DNA.

This junior college semester was extra irritating because the film teacher was a total burnout and my philosophy instructor kept making everyone have conferences with him. I had to go sit in his tiny cramped office where we were nearly sitting knee to knee. Then as if that wasn't uncomfortable enough there was another forty year old guy wearing a tweed blazer with leather patches also sharing his office.

So while my philosophy teacher metaphorically told me I was a loser. Tweed #2 just sat right next to me, listening. Then MC was right outside the office and kept taking pictures of me with her phone. I was the only one who could see this, the philosopher was behind a bookshelf. Tweed #2 was next to the wall. So I was just all giggly and posing for glamour shots to what appeared to the philosopher to be nothing but space.



i don't know why makebelieve band names are so easy to come up with whilst the real ones are so very hard. i'm putting it to the blog vote for the three readers...suggestions, we're dying over here. Olivia Newton John Stamos however I laugh everytime I have to say it. The Duchess of Oven 2 campy?...so really the only thing that is not a blatent attempt to be idiodic is Rochelle, Rochelle.

Then all the songs can be about Frank Costanza. I would listen to Jerry Stiller talk all fucking day. I NEED THOSE CABANA CLOTHES! *The Raincoats*

And I have been meaning to blog about that Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding Seinfeld. If I wasn't so dehydrated all the time, cuz water tastes like nothing, I may have wet myself. Somehow I missed the The Stand-In w/Bette Midler. After seeing it a week ago with Peter; I knew I was somehow a little more complete.

Is it wrong that most of my life is spent in my fantasy head recalling Seinfeld episodes? Then laughing in public when there is no outward signs as to why this outburst occured. I believe this may be a new mental condition. And I shall coin it, Seinfeldrum.

On top of recalling the Seinfeld episodes; the affliction also involves constantly obsessing over why the show was called Seinfeld when he was the shittiest character/performer outta the entire cast. So then then the Seinfeldrum causes me to over think the band name....once you got the name you're stuck with it and that's a lot of pressure. Even if its overly shitty you still gotta keep it. well at least until you *break up*, only to reform a week later minus one member. This has happened to both Ezmerelda and I. Very sad. Very sad indeed.


Closer to fine...anyone? anyone?

Peter and I spent cinco de mayo with the lesbians at Sharlenes. I asked Peter where all the boys were. He said that's not how it works. "What about the gay boys?" I asked peter. He said that's not how it works either. Anyway, Those ladies love to party and take group photos. So I strategically placed myself in a few of them. And I really love doing that. Nothing makes me happier than throwing myself into strangers pictures. Just because I wanna make someone say, "Who the hell is that girl in my picture?" Yep, eternally puzzling someone is somehow exciting.

Then Sharlene broke out her guitar and I was ready to rock a little "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls, this usually gets the ladies in an uproar. I'm telling you back in 98' Closer to Fine could rock a gay party like nobody's business. I'm talking heartfelt swaying lighter action. The circle would form itself. So I strum a couple of chords and nothing. No "Wooo, go girl" NOTHING Then Sharlene quietly informed that these "younger ones" don't know it. What? My gay staple crowd pleaser is no longer current. I am now outdated in both the gay and straight circles.

I was driving and sober so I was not on my "A" game and after that closer to fine defeat, I was all down hill. Peter got all the after party accolades even. "Oh that Peter was so fun!" They all said. And I was just that asshole who made Peter leave. And that is fine but for the record I am a lot more fun after three drinks or more drugs or a set list of hits. But I think Peter enjoyed himself and the ladies enjoyed Peter and I can live vicariously through Peter. SO F IT.

I was discussing with a few of the gals how I had always wanted to get in a fight just to know how I'd stand should the real situation arise.

Sooze was down but didn't have insurance.

Reebok said she was ready to go fist to cuffs but then she looked very tan and sporty. She was wearing basketball shorts and then I was pretty sure her endurance would out last mine.

Henrietta was also wanting to brawl but she seemed like she was always ready to brawl. Thus leading me to believe that without fail she would repeatedly slam my face into the concrete and laugh a devilish laugh as all my teeth cascaded outta my mouth into the pool of blood in the condo parking lot. Yeah I think she had some real hate, as where I just had curiosity.

So I really need to find a 110-130 lb lady who is not really that mean or muscular and has insurance with dental.


Another inspirational Oprah episode

Another happy hour.


I'm Conrad Jenkins, who the hell are you?

i awoke this morning to Conrad Jenkins pelting me with circus peanuts; I don't even enjoy marshmellow derived candy. Then we went to an underpriveledged neighborhood and donated several bags of mildewed pantalooms and a sherlock homes pipe to an aging 1st grader. That kid loves to smoke...and he looked damn cool doin it.


The Shady Duplex

I was climbing on the kitchen counter tops yesterday looking for some f'n food; mostly just sugar but i'm not concerned with details. At 5'2 this sort of display is not out of the ordinary. While tightroping past the sink, I looked on top of one of the cabinets and found some Zig-Zags and a Western Union reciept for $87.00. Oh but this isn't the first time I've found things by standing on top of household items. At a previous house I found some Black Cats while standing on top of my washer. So far I think that's solid profit of $3.00.


This just in a while ago

Ezmerelda finally lost the bikerboyfriend and now the makebelieve band is back on in reality. Is 26 too old to have a band that practices at the drummers moms house? anyway i'm sure we'll get kicked out soon and have to play in a storage unit on the wrong side of town at 12:30 a.m.

my new pretend blog band is now called Courtesy Flushed and is a mix of zydeco, latin speed metal and christian hip hop. If anyone wants to join let me know yr instrument of choice.....flutophone is taken fuckas.

I've also acquired a new arch nemisis who goes by the name Theodore Wigglesworth. Pic coming soon; that fucking asshole.


the calling

the medical research finally came calling.

I was required to sit perfectly still and stare at a blank wall for 300 seconds in a studio apartment next to Barnes-Jewish hospital. And when I say studio apartment I mean studio, it looked like an illegal organ outfit setup or what I have always imagined an illegal organ racket would look like. Upon walking in the door my internal judgment would have said "Hmm" this seems odd but I really don't have that anymore.

A laser was pointed at my caryatid artery taking my pulse and bloodpressure while an EKG did the exact same thing. But while i starred at this wall there was the overly serious doctor, the uninterested "lab assistant" and MC sitting behind me, saying nothing. This was all very uncomfortable.

Then they took photos for medical reference material and I was like "whateva" and signed the release. However, I did not look at this picture but MC did. She said I looked like a Jewish transexual from the horrible profile view. THEN while I'm staring at this wall, there was a camera pointed at me the whole time. I had no idea! I was making faces and smirking and just really acting idiotic as I always do because i thought no one could see anything besides my back. I would go into the science of this whole thing and medical significance but then I would just sound like a dork.

MC said the lab asst. was looking at her my space page and applying for credit cards the entire 5 minutes. Then they tried to tell me i had prehypertension but i think that's bogus and was probably just a little nervous sitting in a studio apartment whith a laser pointed at my neck. I should be getting my 30 dollars by check any day now.


I wanna hear a bonesaw not "I'm on Fire"

Peter and I decided that we really hated Matt Dillion's head and all the lines and we also concluded that we dislike everyones underbites, though I seem to hate Bruce Springsteen's underbite more than any human probably should. You're not supposed to see all those bottom teeth! Could he not afford the surgery?


What? this old thing.

My faith in celebrity has been completely restored. After 365+ days I finally got someone to play along with my "eat shit" fan letter request.

Recap: I sent several letters to D list celebrities asking for autographs that said "Eat Shit, Love D list celebrity". Well no one did, THAT MEANS YOU, Tonya Harding and Kathy Griffin.

But just as all hope was lost, the fantastically hilarious Amy Sedaris came through even resending my original SASE in a new envelope b/c I failed to use enough postage(woops!).

While the autograph does not say eat shit; I did say in the note that she could use any insult currently in her repetoire...so does this count?

Can I put the Eat Shit project to rest?



The hottest spot on the web




Cos when the world is over you'll have Christopher Reeve to thank

ME: Wow! That paralyzed hamster can walk!

ME2: Oh it’s important alright. I mean it’s not as if there are humans dying in the thousands from dysentery or anything.

ME: Dysentery? At this very moment?

ME2: Yeah Cholera and what not, it’s diarrhea, a-hole.

ME: I wonder if stem cells can cure that?

ME2: No not stems cells, my idiotic alterego but there may be a cure.

ME: Oh do tell!

ME2: I will! I know this is crazy and it’s kinda a new thing but I call it CLEAN DRINKING WATER.

ME: You’re kidding.

Me2: Would I joke?

Me: No C cuz you got no sense of humor. How much does it cost? More than stem cells?

ME2: NO! I bet we could get copious amounts of drinking water with 3 billion clams.

ME: Probably ubercopious if we got it outta the tap.

ME2: So yeah why don't you tell that hamster to grab his f’n walker and toss a Figi into the basket and start making his way over to Guinea right now.

ME: Wow! It's looks like you agree with GWB.

ME2: Never talk to me again; I got "Baby Killer" sandwich boards to bedazzle.

ME: Fine with me.


Live longers

That's it. MsM came over for an impromptu think tank and proceeded to gorge my sea monkeys on grow food. They are are exploding at this very moment. I swear. MC thinks it's a real fucking laugh riot. Yeah sea monkicide in the first degree is very funny.


The rerebirth of Eunice and the death of The Temps

Eunice, who at one time was referred to as Edna, will be now go by the new internet alias of Stix.

Stix got drum lessons; just to join my make believe band, The Temps, plus she likes to hit things. For example the pipe, concrete barriers, gaywads, and her shins. So the drums are really just an extension to this. Stix might also be referred to as Mary Stuart Masterson or just MsM. Now that I've seen MsM I like that more than Stix. Shall we vote? All of MsM's/Stix suitors will now be known only as Somekindawonderful regardless of how much actual wonderful they contain.

After Msm's first drum lesson, I asked if I learned to do a backflip off her bass drum, would that be okay to attempt? She said "definitely NO!" I pushed on, "What if you got a non-family heir loom drum set, what about then?"

"No!" mSm yelled, "And why would I let you jump off my NEW bass drum when I wouldn't let you do it on the old one?"

"Cuz it'd look damn cool!" I said. That's it, this band is breaking up. We're through. I can't handle all these rules and restrictions.


I am not a malicious woman and I will strike down anyone who says different

why is PBS nothing like the BBC? The concept seems similair.

The BBC released Nighty Night in NTSC and this is the best thing to happen all year besides my upcoming summer carny gig. BUY NIGHTY NIGHT RIGHT NOW. If anyone doesn't think this is the dopest, sickest, and most hilarious shit they ever witnessed, I'll kick my ownself in the teeth.

I loaned mine to MC and am now waiting to get it back, that f'n pantywaste. BUT I could have a Nighty Night party if anyone wants to come and watch it in a group setting. I will not provide nacho chips or any type of casserole at this make believe function. I will however, provide sufficient amounts of toilet paper and nonstop dialog that goes something like this "Wait watch this part!" and "Shh listen."


The goth clothes pin is getting ostracized again


helen keller was a socialist

Ezmerelda had to disband her Weight Watcher group, she said there just wasn't enough humilation involved because it was only people that she knew. After the weigh-in's, the girls would just chuckle at all the weight they failed to lose, then sit around for hours eating desserts made mostly from splenda and diet soft drinks.


Memory foam pillow, how have you forgotten me?

On Saturday, Bernita, the Stumblebum came over and we ate cream of mushroom soup while she washed her poncho and boo. I gave her an anesthetic so she could really define her stumblebum moniker and we laughed and laughed as she stumbled into the mailbox, a bicycle, Satan, the coffee table, the fire place, a jar of mayonnaise, the ironing board, and a realistic replica of Lenin’s smashing corpse.

Bernita said she hoped her corpse would look that good and I told her she already looked worse. Too much lighter fluid in her diet she surmised. Then she gave Kung fu hamster minus the fu, ringworm. And now all his spirit is gone.


I have no oversized thumbs

Agnes the childsize attended an obligitory superbowl party. While she sat in the kitchen with the sombrero dip/chip accent piece she noticed "Peanut" (whose real name is Herpes SimplexB) had left her phone on the counter. ACS and an unnamed accomplice decided they should really take a picture of themselves on Peanuts phone but then couldn't b/c it was full of pics. Agnes looked to see what was taking up all of Herpes SimplexB memory and we should all be very thankful that she did.

per agnes the childsize....

"all of them were of herself & some of them were really of 'herself' -i'm talking full spread crotch shots- some with toys, some just alone- all of it very disturbing- & the bestpart- she's completely shaved- so being that she's tiny - she looked like an 8 yr old little girl. what's more disturbing- the fact that her camera is loaded with these pictures or that i was evaluating her twat in a critical way- why is she so proud of it?"

agnes- Vagina judging is nothing to be ashamed of. However, deciding that yr phone is the appropriate place to house close up's of your hairless vagina is completely fucking crazy. Anges you must get this phone. I have no problem being an accomplice.


"Found" notebook filled with fantastical treasure maps

I have made a habit of not making fun of what anyone chooses to write down; I have a deep fear that someday one of my "pondering" notebooks will become lost, then found by someone who is not me. I even write extra horrible in preperation for this tragic event. BUT Then I stumbled onto this graphpaper notebook and my mocking scruples went directly out the sarcasm window. Upon looking at the first page I concluded this must have been done by a child or handicapped teenager. Mote is spelled incorrectly and the I's do not have dots but circles. However, upon flippin the notebook over I noticed it was purchased from the very junior college I attend.

Upon further investigation, I matched this handwritting to some previous work related ramblings of a coworker; to be employed at this position one has to be over 21 years of age. I am unsure if there are any intelligence requirements.
Please have a seat me lady.

If you look very closely you'll notice Rockvilla in the bottom right corner; my personal favorite.


You go, Girl!

I'm really trying to laugh at this self titled Melissa Etheridge cd; a big family favorite in 1989. I repurchased this album for nostalgia and comedy but then something strange happened...I think it still holds up. I was totally ready to chuckle at the trite lyrics, the bogus bass line on "like the way do" and all the ambiguity but right now, at this moment, I'm just to damn busy rocking.

The greatest album cover ever produced.


Lenny Bruce is not afraid


When is fisting not funny?

Dear Smart Kitty,

I was recently asked to be a narcotics mule for the eastern European drug lord, Vladimir Rasputin Vanderbeek IV, perhaps you have heard of him.

My question to you is, how many eight balls fit into the *average* woman’s vagina? If at all possible I should really try to WOW him, if you know what I mean. But what if the white lady in my vagina ruptures then mixes with the black beauties concealed in my rectum? Will I turn into a superhuman cyborg or will this just render my fallopian tubes useless? My uterus must stay functioning due to the fact I harvest my own unfertilized Polish eggs and send them to Anthony Edwards’s second cousin via USPS. These Polish eggs are very resilient and are extracted at home by a well trained chimpanzee, they are then put into a Petri dish with seven sea monkeys and a few months later, a stupid white Webster type character appears...bearing only one solitary catch phrase. They truly are cute little bastards. Can I be a drug mule and a philanthropist?

**The average vagina has had the clap 2x, a childhood teeter-totter incident, and a Latino porn fisting debacle (dwarf w/ big hands) **

We are scientists

I was supposed to be doing things.

Instead, I spent two hours making sure my myspace page left a good impression. I can't help but feel that I am being judged one profile view at a time. I also have very few friends. Should I be sad? If anyone wants to be my friend, just let me know.

Patricia Arquette's slightly shorter doppleganger, Fantaysia, wanted me to say a few words on her behalf.

Fantaysia will always laugh at your jokes, regardless of there comedic validity.


BIG F U TO AOL - Update

I recently received a cc of a letter AOL sent to the Better Business Bureau. This letter apologized for their customer service, then said they would pay me back $71.70. WOW, $71.70, that was totally worth my time to make all those complaints. I wonder what I'll spend that money on? A laundry hamper? A lot of diet soda? 30 FUCK OFF AOL stickers? The possibilities are endless. AND no they did not say sorry for making me talk to a robot for an extended period of time.


Hitler had a sitcom

The BBC actually produced a show in 1990 entitled Heil Honey I'm Home! This was a zany comedy about Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun living next door to a Jewish couple in a suburban utopia. They probably got up to some wacky antics.

yeah i know that link does not work...well talk to the BBC cos it's their error. If you're that interested, google it yourself. I got things to do you know. okay i really don't but it really is their bad link and not my poor copy and pasting skills.


In between Jon Favreau?

Jon Favreau appears to have no inbetween. He is either fat, some examples include Rudy & his guest spot on Thursday's My name is Earl.

or he takes on the appearance of the normal size Jon Favreau ie Swingers & Very Bad things.

However, In between Jon Favreau is a shy creature that is rarely spotted on camera.

**Insert mental image of inbetween Jon Favreau**

How it works is normal size Jon Favreau holes himself up in a seedy Vegas hotel room while he attempts to conjure the spirit of Mr. Spruce Goose himself, Howard Hughes, BUT instead of letting his nails grow obscenly long and insanely scary(sidebar: why are long fingernails so repulsive?) he just eats and eats and eats and eats and then two months later Fat Jon Favreau emerges ready for yet another round of celebrity poker showdown.


Help, I need witty vengeful payback


I never thought I'd be one of those assholes who actually filed a claim against a company, mostly because I'm kinda lazy, but AOL is that fucking deplorable. (They stole $932.20 to date)

Today, I called my bank to try to get AOL blocked, so they will quit charging me (apparently, calling them four times is not really "cancelling" anything) The bank said AOL can still pretty much debit my account at their leisure, regardless if I've filed a claim against that charge or not.

SO now i'm pretty much puzzled, from what I understand, I can cancel a service four times, file a claim w/ the better business bureau regarding the inability to cancel that service, file another claim through my bank, and still after all of this AOl can still do whatever the fuck they want.

When filling a BBB claim they ask you what would resolve the situation. I said give me back my money or proving that I could really care less about the money, I would accept a signed/written letter of apology from an AOL executive stating that they are deeply sorry for the matters stated below:

1. For intentionally ending my twenty-seven minute call to them on 11/15.
2. For billing me for three years for a service that I did not want or utilize.
3. For making me talk to a robot for an extended period of time.
4. For attempting to sell their unsatisfied customers more AOL services while their current account is being "disconnected".
5. For stealing my $932.10.
6. For making their foreign operators use "American" names, so their customers won't realize they use a foreign labor force.
7. For deliberatly making it difficult to find contacts in which to voice grievances to AOL directly.
8. For using manipulitive tactics in which to gain and retain customers. Most of whom are unsatisfied but don't feel like talking to a robot and three people for forty-five minutes to "disconnect" their service.
9. For continuing to bill me after I had repeatedly "closed" my account.

**Yeah I haven't gotten this letter yet**

I am quite sure that I need revenge. At first, I thought a BBB claim would do it for me but yeah that really did nothing thus far. Currently, vengence is all that will ebb this hatred for AOL.


Those keyholes are a menace

Urban Outfitters sent me a catalog; damn you mailing lists. I became puzzled after viewing this t-shirt. Do I not know the definition of a hipster? Was I incorrect in judging Urban Outfitters as the definitive hipster emporium?


Hot dish

I recently had the extreme pleasure of enjoying a greenbean casserole prepared using Norman Shwarzkopf's fifth cousins recipe.




I'm retarded on paper. really

Not that I don't love visiting my grandparents but for the last four years i've visited, my grandpa insists on telling me the same story. This trip he decided to put it off until I had already packed my bags. "Before, you leave," he said "i have a little story to tell you...."
this is the part in my staple grandparent visit where he tells me how when I was child my whole family thought I was retarded. Yeah really retarded. My mother then took her little retard to a junior college where a student teacher certified me retarded, on paper even. My grandfather always softens the blow of this tragic tale by replacing "retard" with "embocile". Grandpa says he told my mother "that JC teacher doesn't know what she was talking about. She's fine."

On this trip he decided to tell me this story because I had proven my unretardedness by realigning his printer...mmmmhhhhhm....i'm a real fucking wiz. Put that in your pipe junior college student teacher who told my mom I was retarded in 1983, I can press two buttons on a computer keyboard.


Swingstate Clifford


Wake up, it's Christmas Grandma

And look what I got you.

It's a visor but it says Hattitude and it only cost me a sacajawea.


Fuck the adulation, I want the medal

I deleted my blog after concluding it was taking up too much "creative energy" and I had also become convinced that someone from the Fox Network was reading it and stealing my bits. (I may have some ego issues). BUT, I recieved a frantic call from my sister, stating my non-existent ramblings were Blog of the week in the Riverfront times. Thus, a slim chance that my defunct blog could possibly gain some extra readers (maybe seven). These imaginary readers will probably never comment on anything I say, unless it's anorexics or the pro-life syndicate, who I've offended.

However, I will repost the blog I just deleted all because I recieved a miniscule nod of approval and I am very self-absorbed.


The one good thing in England(besides universal healthcare, The BBC, and Guy Fawkes Day)

Lee said he didn't wanna
I said get of the car
Lee said this was stupid
I said don't forget the wig


The newest Gravy Train is totally bogus

How do you type an umlaute on a regular keyboard? Is this possible? Or do I have to some kind of irritating template wingding thing?