You go, Girl!

I'm really trying to laugh at this self titled Melissa Etheridge cd; a big family favorite in 1989. I repurchased this album for nostalgia and comedy but then something strange happened...I think it still holds up. I was totally ready to chuckle at the trite lyrics, the bogus bass line on "like the way do" and all the ambiguity but right now, at this moment, I'm just to damn busy rocking.

The greatest album cover ever produced.


Lenny Bruce is not afraid


When is fisting not funny?

Dear Smart Kitty,

I was recently asked to be a narcotics mule for the eastern European drug lord, Vladimir Rasputin Vanderbeek IV, perhaps you have heard of him.

My question to you is, how many eight balls fit into the *average* woman’s vagina? If at all possible I should really try to WOW him, if you know what I mean. But what if the white lady in my vagina ruptures then mixes with the black beauties concealed in my rectum? Will I turn into a superhuman cyborg or will this just render my fallopian tubes useless? My uterus must stay functioning due to the fact I harvest my own unfertilized Polish eggs and send them to Anthony Edwards’s second cousin via USPS. These Polish eggs are very resilient and are extracted at home by a well trained chimpanzee, they are then put into a Petri dish with seven sea monkeys and a few months later, a stupid white Webster type character appears...bearing only one solitary catch phrase. They truly are cute little bastards. Can I be a drug mule and a philanthropist?

**The average vagina has had the clap 2x, a childhood teeter-totter incident, and a Latino porn fisting debacle (dwarf w/ big hands) **

We are scientists

I was supposed to be doing things.

Instead, I spent two hours making sure my myspace page left a good impression. I can't help but feel that I am being judged one profile view at a time. I also have very few friends. Should I be sad? If anyone wants to be my friend, just let me know.

Patricia Arquette's slightly shorter doppleganger, Fantaysia, wanted me to say a few words on her behalf.

Fantaysia will always laugh at your jokes, regardless of there comedic validity.


BIG F U TO AOL - Update

I recently received a cc of a letter AOL sent to the Better Business Bureau. This letter apologized for their customer service, then said they would pay me back $71.70. WOW, $71.70, that was totally worth my time to make all those complaints. I wonder what I'll spend that money on? A laundry hamper? A lot of diet soda? 30 FUCK OFF AOL stickers? The possibilities are endless. AND no they did not say sorry for making me talk to a robot for an extended period of time.


Hitler had a sitcom

The BBC actually produced a show in 1990 entitled Heil Honey I'm Home! This was a zany comedy about Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun living next door to a Jewish couple in a suburban utopia. They probably got up to some wacky antics.

yeah i know that link does not work...well talk to the BBC cos it's their error. If you're that interested, google it yourself. I got things to do you know. okay i really don't but it really is their bad link and not my poor copy and pasting skills.


In between Jon Favreau?

Jon Favreau appears to have no inbetween. He is either fat, some examples include Rudy & his guest spot on Thursday's My name is Earl.

or he takes on the appearance of the normal size Jon Favreau ie Swingers & Very Bad things.

However, In between Jon Favreau is a shy creature that is rarely spotted on camera.

**Insert mental image of inbetween Jon Favreau**

How it works is normal size Jon Favreau holes himself up in a seedy Vegas hotel room while he attempts to conjure the spirit of Mr. Spruce Goose himself, Howard Hughes, BUT instead of letting his nails grow obscenly long and insanely scary(sidebar: why are long fingernails so repulsive?) he just eats and eats and eats and eats and then two months later Fat Jon Favreau emerges ready for yet another round of celebrity poker showdown.


Help, I need witty vengeful payback


I never thought I'd be one of those assholes who actually filed a claim against a company, mostly because I'm kinda lazy, but AOL is that fucking deplorable. (They stole $932.20 to date)

Today, I called my bank to try to get AOL blocked, so they will quit charging me (apparently, calling them four times is not really "cancelling" anything) The bank said AOL can still pretty much debit my account at their leisure, regardless if I've filed a claim against that charge or not.

SO now i'm pretty much puzzled, from what I understand, I can cancel a service four times, file a claim w/ the better business bureau regarding the inability to cancel that service, file another claim through my bank, and still after all of this AOl can still do whatever the fuck they want.

When filling a BBB claim they ask you what would resolve the situation. I said give me back my money or proving that I could really care less about the money, I would accept a signed/written letter of apology from an AOL executive stating that they are deeply sorry for the matters stated below:

1. For intentionally ending my twenty-seven minute call to them on 11/15.
2. For billing me for three years for a service that I did not want or utilize.
3. For making me talk to a robot for an extended period of time.
4. For attempting to sell their unsatisfied customers more AOL services while their current account is being "disconnected".
5. For stealing my $932.10.
6. For making their foreign operators use "American" names, so their customers won't realize they use a foreign labor force.
7. For deliberatly making it difficult to find contacts in which to voice grievances to AOL directly.
8. For using manipulitive tactics in which to gain and retain customers. Most of whom are unsatisfied but don't feel like talking to a robot and three people for forty-five minutes to "disconnect" their service.
9. For continuing to bill me after I had repeatedly "closed" my account.

**Yeah I haven't gotten this letter yet**

I am quite sure that I need revenge. At first, I thought a BBB claim would do it for me but yeah that really did nothing thus far. Currently, vengence is all that will ebb this hatred for AOL.


Those keyholes are a menace

Urban Outfitters sent me a catalog; damn you mailing lists. I became puzzled after viewing this t-shirt. Do I not know the definition of a hipster? Was I incorrect in judging Urban Outfitters as the definitive hipster emporium?


Hot dish

I recently had the extreme pleasure of enjoying a greenbean casserole prepared using Norman Shwarzkopf's fifth cousins recipe.