The Jehova's witnesses are stalking me.

The Jehova's witnesses are stalking me.

I accidental answered the door on one occasion and an nearly dead woman was there. I was, of course, nice because who can be really mean to super old people? I took her Watchtower and Awake magazines and smiled and nodded. I thought briefly of setting up a camera the following weekend and inviting her in. However, this woman is so old and nice there is no way I could pull it off. Then two weeks later grandma comes back, this time referring to me by name. Then she's talking about the end of the world and then it was no longer amusing just irritating.

Now it has turned sinister, Maxine has started showing up with a whole troop of youth filled lackeys. Now it's three of them. They pull up in their Buick every Sunday after the kingdom hall lets out. Now I spend my Sunday making sure all the blinds are closed and telling everyone not to answer the door.

In closing, I'm on to you manipulative Jehovah's Witnesses, sending in the elderly as your first line of attack. OH but you won't turn me on to a life without birthdays cuz I already bartered my soul away at the flee market for a 83'Brook Shields doll....insert evil menacing laugh.


Think the illuminati w/o all the world domination

I'm trying to get my secret society formed but am kind of at a loss of what a secret society does after you have the hand shake and initiation down. My secret society is going to do a lot of double dutching and coupon clipping. Anyway here's the ad that is going to run for one week only in the Belleville News Democrat (the worst source for news in the entire world) after the secret society application is up and running...( I do need some questions to weed out all the uberlosers)

Finally, a secret scoiety that everyone knows about and we are now recruiting like minded semi-apathetic individuals willing to partake in thrilling(might be a stretch) and irreverent displays of indifference. REGISTERED VOTERS, YUPPIES, RACISTS, AND VANITY PLATE HOLDERS NEED NOT APPLY.

Refreshments will include Ovaltene and pimento loaf (bread not included)

First meeting will involve practicing the secret handshake and learning how to roller derby.


Suggestions welcome and appreciated.


Take that NRA bumper sticker

Unscrupulous loose woman don't kill fetuses, coat hangers do.


Woke up dead to beat the sleepers

I was up at 4am cuz i couldn't stop thinking about Coolio's Fantastic Voyage and how fun it would be to have a party appear from the trunk of your car. Then I moved on to that damn kung fu hampster and how I have to press it every time it catches my eye, even though it pisses me off, and I don't even like the kung fu fighting song. Then Leeza Gibbons appeared on Headline News and the ticker scrolled past and it said "Leeza Gibbons promoting scrapbooking to preserve memories." No shit, really? So that's how you remember things, you have to write them down. Very news worthy indeed, thank you CNN and Entertainment tonight for giving the world more useless fucking bullshit and calling it news, just so this retard society can think it's informed....


This was all Edna's fault

Edna calls me yesterday and was completely hysterical. Between cellphone break ups and crying, I concluded she was in a car wreck and was unsure as to her actual location. Then I think she's saying something with "back" and "pop". I'm then convinced Edna is a paraplegic with a severe head injury. My words of wisdom "Stay Calm", I should really be a 911 operator. Then the cops show up and she gets off the phone saying she's going to call me back, I wait forever wondering just what I'm supposed to do in this situation.

Long story short Edna is not a paraplegic. When she said "back" and "pop" she really said "my bag of pot" and that is also doing just fine.


The motown vortex

Never look directly into Aaron Neville's mole. It is on par with the sun and should only be gazed at while wearing your grandma's full face sunglasses. They even gave Linda Ronsandt a grammy for having spent time in the same room with it. However, one could argue that Aaron's Mole had put the judges into some sort of denim trance and they handed out those little statues while there mind was clouded with stone washed jean jackets.


Peter and a robot model

Why can't adults offer or recieve piggy backs? Adults get tired of walking and should be able to take rides from their larger counterparts...it seems logical enough after all. I offer piggyback rides, no one ever takes them.Peter is making another cartoon, i'm waiting for some voice over work and he just keeps saying "make your own cartoon", which i think means I will be getting no voice over work. I think Peter hates my voice and the idea that it would go over something.