This southern rock just sounds like country

I'm pretending to christmas shop. I'm eyeing the crap gifts I should be buying for people who will get me the same crap. The crap that after christmas you can't even sell for a quarter at a yard sale the next summer. More crap that will sit in my house and I have to keep cuz it was a present. I can't handle any more cherub angels playing harps in my knick knack collection.

I'm wishing I was a crack addict about right now, then no one would expect anything from me. My presence at Christmas would be present enough. "She doesn't look so good!" An uncle might announce. As everyone decides to shift away from me in case scabbies are indeed contagious. Then everyone would hide their purses and wallets as I unplug the stereo and make my way over to Louie's on fifth and main, prepared to do some bardering.

But no I am not, i'm so lame, I can't even get drunk anymore. One drink and I'm saying "I got a headache!"Right now I've been surrounded by a smorgasbord of plump 30 year olds wearing christmas puff paint shirts, with raised little christmas presents. Those can't be machine washable. I spot a certain safety mom who thought the puff paint wasn't irritating enough she decided to throw on a reindeer antler headband to ad nauseum. A headband complete with little jingle bells that don't even make noise. She looks happy enough but I still feel the urge to run over and topple her cart full of useless gifts for people who probably loathe her. Then slap her in the face and yell "Come on Lady, have some dignity!" I mean does everyone gotta look like a 3rd grade teacher the moment the calender hits Dec 20th? Where do these people live? Are these the people that really own Nat King Cole Christmas cd's?

I'm thinking this is the wake up call she needs. She might not know any better. I mean I don't think i'm off base here. I've polled several people who are quite lame and they have not admitted to any christmas themed tops, vests, or headwear. The sad truth is she probably does know better. There is no use getting slapped with an assault charge. I wish there weren't consequences. I wish I was a sociopath.


I'd be smart if I wasn't so stupid

I am informed whilst getting a physical that one should not use q-tips to clean ones ears. Dr. Joy (she is not at all joyful) informs that this is the leading cause of ear infections. The whole conversation with Joy has left me at a loss due to the fact that it seems the whole reason q-tips are produced and purchased is because they fit perfectly into your ear."Pour peroxide into your ear once a week." Joy says, "That should do the trick."

This seems downright dangerous. How much do I pour in? Is there a special funnel for this? Will there be instructions on the back of the peroxide bottle? I am merely asking these questions in my head because like I said Dr. Joy is far from joyous.Upon entering the room she said "Phew, somebody is a smoker!" And from that moment on I hated her and was looking around the office for something to steal. The blood pressure cuff immediately peaked my interest but upon contemplation decided the cuff was "doable" but the stand and actual machine were a bit unrealistic. This was ruled out because then I would have a blood pressure cuff lying around the house with no use.The cuff in question was already broken because when I got my blood pressure taken with it, my blood pressure was to high. I had figured this was due to a confrontation I had with the lady at the front desk who was very suspicious as to why I was sitting in the office, I guess they weren't open yet. Let me state for the record that the door was unlocked. And being questioned for being overly punctual seems a bit unreasonable."How did you get in here?" Lame counter girl said.

"Err, the door." I said.

"Well we're not open, the door was locked." She was very irritated about this.

"Well, no the door was not locked because obviously I'm standing inside. Would you like me to wait outside?" I looked at her name tag and then to comment cards.

"No, we're open now!" She said.For the next few moments I had thought about writing a nasty comment about her, then by the time I mulled this over for a spell I realized I just made a "show" of looking at her name tag and actually didn't recall her name at all.Back to the blood pressure, I figured the blood pressure was due to that fight or possibly the fight I had the day before with a group of religious zealots, this fight left me wondering if I should move to Canada, and though this "discussion" lasted several hours I recall few details. It was concluded however, that I am allowed to stay an atheist until I'm on my deathbed, then if I let Jesus into my heart, the lifetime of disbelief will be forgiven and I will still be allowed into heaven. Still up in the air is why it is okay for crazy religious guy #1 to carry a concealed handgun if he wants but no one can have an abortion if they want? He claims that any unwanted children could live with him, to include children that may end up with gay couples."How big is your trailer?" I said. Then I thought it might make a quirky little sitcom.

Blood pressure guy takes my blood pressure with a different cuff and I'm back to fine. Concluding that none of my previous run ins with the retard masses has led to any ill health physically. The only thing I can find worth stealing are the condoms which are free anyway and then all the fun is completely gone. I thought about pouring the whole bowl into my coat pockets and saying "You know for the weekends!" But then Joy departs quickly and with no audience it seemed completely pointless.


Never been date raped (short version)

Apparently, I'm not that attractive. I've come to this conclusion after being told I look like certain individuals who I have reasoned are quite ugly. Also, forcing me come to terms with this is the caliber of people that seem to hit on me. I was at the BK and A guy with no front teeth and a palsy hand asked me for my number. I kind of pointed to myself and then looked around to see if there was a women who weighed 300 lbs with greasy hair standing behind me. There was not.The only men that seem to take a particular interest are the homeless. A few years back, whilst wondering around Piccadilly circus on New Years day a hobo ran up to me and declared "Merry Christmas" then proceeded to kiss me. My travel companions did not attempt to pull this whino off me and pummel him with their shopping bags, they just laughed and scrambled for their disposable cameras.