This southern rock just sounds like country

I'm pretending to christmas shop. I'm eyeing the crap gifts I should be buying for people who will get me the same crap. The crap that after christmas you can't even sell for a quarter at a yard sale the next summer. More crap that will sit in my house and I have to keep cuz it was a present. I can't handle any more cherub angels playing harps in my knick knack collection.

I'm wishing I was a crack addict about right now, then no one would expect anything from me. My presence at Christmas would be present enough. "She doesn't look so good!" An uncle might announce. As everyone decides to shift away from me in case scabbies are indeed contagious. Then everyone would hide their purses and wallets as I unplug the stereo and make my way over to Louie's on fifth and main, prepared to do some bardering.

But no I am not, i'm so lame, I can't even get drunk anymore. One drink and I'm saying "I got a headache!"Right now I've been surrounded by a smorgasbord of plump 30 year olds wearing christmas puff paint shirts, with raised little christmas presents. Those can't be machine washable. I spot a certain safety mom who thought the puff paint wasn't irritating enough she decided to throw on a reindeer antler headband to ad nauseum. A headband complete with little jingle bells that don't even make noise. She looks happy enough but I still feel the urge to run over and topple her cart full of useless gifts for people who probably loathe her. Then slap her in the face and yell "Come on Lady, have some dignity!" I mean does everyone gotta look like a 3rd grade teacher the moment the calender hits Dec 20th? Where do these people live? Are these the people that really own Nat King Cole Christmas cd's?

I'm thinking this is the wake up call she needs. She might not know any better. I mean I don't think i'm off base here. I've polled several people who are quite lame and they have not admitted to any christmas themed tops, vests, or headwear. The sad truth is she probably does know better. There is no use getting slapped with an assault charge. I wish there weren't consequences. I wish I was a sociopath.


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